Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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