smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
