How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
