Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
