Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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