Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
