i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
