I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
