U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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