cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
