I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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