I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
