Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
