toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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