just tell him i said nine months
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
