there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
