I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
