I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
