Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
