Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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