I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
