So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
