K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
