Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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