I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just found a bag of teeth...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
