Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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