Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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