Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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