i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
