thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
