the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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