Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
