My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
