i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
