you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Randomize
