I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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