I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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