dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
