My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
