Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
