we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
