She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
