On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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