Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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