and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
