im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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