Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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