I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
