i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
