I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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