Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
