Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
