I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
