she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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